Why am I so apprehensive to call the doctor and set up appointments now?

It's been eight months, and I'm doing well...more than well I'd say. But I'm at a place where a lot of anger, sadness, anxiety, and apprehension are harbored. I've done my best to hide it on the outside, but sometimes I feel like tiny parts of me inside are falling apart.

I'm deathly afraid to go back to school...

...mostly because I'm afraid I'll suck at it. And I'm afraid of new dynamics. I feel like a freshman all over again. To be frank, I've now lost more friends than I went into college with, and if you stared at me for a long time, I bet you'd have to think about whether or not you were truly my friend.

I've had that conversation in my head about...dozens...of people now. And my head hurts.

I'm dizzy.

Irritated.

And I'm taking it out on the people who least deserve my wrath.

I'm constantly scared about falling back into bad habits...so much so that I spent a good deal of my night crying in my car in my work parking lot last night...and when I say crying, I MEAN CRYING.

I just wanna have fun. I really really envy tv shows or groups of friends who seem to have such a strong hold on each other. I wish I had that. I did once...

But I wish I had that again...I wish I could look back on college and look at good memories...not..."God, I couldn't wait to get out of there."

What makes certain people..."cooler" than other people? Are people not prone to imperfections...or mistakes? As much as I try to say that mistakes and imperfections are indeed what makes humans human, I find it hard...almost impossible to follow my own advice.

I feel like I AM a mistake. And sometimes I don't know what I did to get the whole world so mad at me. I feel like I've always wanted to get along with everyone...but maybe I'm just not relatable. Maybe I'm just...not as "chill" as I'd like to think. What makes people's problems any worse or any better than anyone else's problems?

Am I just a big boat of drama? Because it seems to me, like the more I try not to be...the more I am one. And the less I try to be one, I catch more wind and sail on the big boat more. And what people don't know is that I don't see why I have to be scolded like a dog. Am I easy to yell at? Am I easy to chew out? What if I wasn't around to make the mistakes for you? What if I wasn't around to disapprove of? Because that's how I feel...like I'm always disapproved of.

My dreams...my aspirations...were just helping people.

Everyone says I have this huge vanity problem...like it's always about me...

I try not to.

I go home at night punishing myself if I talk about myself too much, but you don't see that. You just see me...talking about myself.

You don't get that it hurts me...

You can say sorry as much as you want, but I don't think you'll realize how much you've mentally fucked me up...and how hard it is for me to keep my head afloat.

I have so many problems with myself...I hate my stomach. I hate being sick. I hate being sad. I hate being dizzy. I hate being on Lexapro. I hate that I talk about myself. I hate that I make such huge mistakes that always get people mad at me...enough to hate me...I hate that I have this distorted image of myself in my mind. I hate myself. I hate me. I hate me as much as you hate me.

Last summer...around this time. I hated me so much that I cut.

I cut.

I beat myself.

I scratched.

I carved.

I choked.

I overdosed.

I'm scared.

Because you hating me...made me hate me.

And one day...I'll hate myself to death.