There's no escaping.

So stop running.

There's no eradicating your past. There's no eternal sunshining your life.

There's just living.

There's just bearing in mind that your mistakes were meant to be made. And the more you hold onto your regrets, the faster you will deteriorate. There's no shame in asking for help.

Go back to being a pacifist. Because what is there to fight? What is there to defend? Anger will only hold you back. If you love yourself enough, you'd understand that this is truth. Let go of that burning coal already. Let go of pain. Please heal.

Re-evaluate who you call friends. Who you believe to be true friends...

It may not be a lot, but they have been there through thick and thin. Don't ever let them go.

Friends have dwindled off the map...but new friends have come to take their place. Love those friends like you love yourself...because they're the ones who keep you sane.

Remember that family will always be there for you. Blood is thicker than anything you can ever imagine.

And TRUE love will find...if it hasn't already...its way back into your heart.

Bad times will come, but remember that it is from darkness that light arises. It's from chaos that beauty emerges. And that's exactly what you are. DON'T REGRET what happened because it had to happen some time...you have a whole future ahead of you to forgive and forget.

Life will come to those who hurt you, and God is the only one who can judge.

Let go, Kat. Let go.

Year 4.

It's time.

It's time to get the fuck out of this place. To graduate. To peace out. To forget the torture I put myself under while I was here.

I have so many good memories, but so many bad ones as well. I came out of college with less friends than I started with, and with practically no trust left in my trust fund. I'm cynical. I'm vicious. I'm trying...

...not to be.

I used to be such a pacifist. I used to know how to be diplomatic. I never wanted to kill people as much. I've never hated. Hatred is a terrible terrible feeling. It burns you up inside and it makes you feel like shit.

It's time to get out, but since I missed 2 quarters of school this past year, I'm going to have to stay longer. Do I regret it? No. But I wish I could be done and out of there much more quickly. I've been through many situations, now, where I'm infamous for something terrible...

And that's not how I want to be.

I want to be fun. I want to be invited places.

I am fun. And I was invited places...

Then I make ONE mistake...and I'm not forgiven. I'm forgotten.

People can say that they trust their friends. I don't. My friends are flip-floppers. Everyone is a flip-flopper.

Today I had a terrible headache...and I want to see the therapist again. But I can't pay $15 every time to see a mofuckin therapist. I need to save money. I need to get back in the gym. I need time. To think. To relax. To forget. To forgive...myself and others. To truly find sanity again...to find salvation. To heal.

Sigh. Okay. Enough.

Trust?

Trust is something people like to give away like free candy, then cry when it comes back at them chewed up and mangled.

Trust.

Trust used to be easily given by people like me. Evals.

Still evaluating. There's a lot of irritation. A lot of hurt. A lot of pain. A lot of crazy shit in my head that I wish I could just FORGET ALREADY. I'm a lot more violent than I used to be. I think less of myself sometimes when I'm alone in my room trying to sleep but can't. I am my own worst critic, and I still feel like I deserve less than I probably do.

I hate myself for what I've become, but proud of myself for not being so trusting--for realizing that people are all selfish and self-centered...and that only a handful of them compliment your life. The others just ruin it. Some knowingly, others unknowingly. Some come into your life with good intentions, but leave with bad results. Some come into your life with bad intentions, and leave with regrets. Some come into your life just as scared as you are to go into theirs.

And then you try not to trust, but you trust.

And you look back on the people who have seen you act a fool...and you regret...but you're proud of yourself because now you know not to trust.

Trust...gets you nowhere.

...to get what i want.

So.

Evals.

You ever notice how much throughout your entire life someone evaluates you? Performance. Test. Endurance. Emotions. Willpower. Strength.

All that bullshit isn't even for yourself. It's for someone else to put on a piece of paper. And where does that piece of paper even go? Who reads it? And who cares?

For once in my life, I'm evaluating myself. Thinking about who I need to impress in my life. If they're worth it. How will I be able to tell? Thinking who I need to keep in my life and who I need to cut. How will I be able to tell if they're worth the fight? Why do I even NEED to fight to keep someone in my life? What lessons am I supposed to learn?

I realized that last year was just a mound of mistakes. A mound of piled up pressure and emotions...

I think I noticed that people who did bad things ALWAYS got what they wanted. So I started doing bad things. And I played with emotions...I spun the wheel. I played Russian Roulette with my heart. And it definitely didn't work out in my favor.

I never wanted to be bad. I just thought that I was a good person who did bad things. But I never thought I was bad. And looking back on it now. Maybe I'm just someone...who God had to punish...to make me realize that I need to stop doing what everyone else is doing, and just be myself.

But I can't help but think that sometimes my best isn't my good enough. I know I have so much going for me...yet my mistakes still hover over my head.

And I can't help but think about that scene from Lion King where Rafiki hits Simba on the head with his stick and they have this little dialogue:

Simba: "Ow! What was that for?"
Rafiki: "Who cares? It was in the past! Now are you going to cry about it or learn from it?" *swings at his head again*
Simba: *ducks before getting hit*

Obviously, I'm trying to learn. But this is one fucking hard lesson.

I want to close up.

I want to...let good people go because sometimes I still think I'm dirty and useless...I think that I'm less than I am. And I feel like by letting them go, I'll save them from myself...

And I'll save myself from getting hurt.

I'm SO scared.

I'm not a bad person. I'm trying to receive repentance for all I've done wrong in my life...but it sucks because I know there's people who have done worse and don't feel the need to repent at all. I'm scared that my ugly past will reveal itself to everyone in my present and future...and people will always remember me as someone with some sort of problem. No matter how much good I do in my life...it never seems to overcome the bad I've done.

I'm sorry I can't be the saint that everyone wants me to be. Forgive me for my mistakes, but I'm not everyone's gossip channel to heckle and laugh at. And maybe I'm being paranoid, but I call it carefulness.

Trust.

Trust?

I guess you can't even trust yourself to get what you want these days.

Sometimes I burn holes in your pictures with my eyes.

...because I want to etch that image into my mind.
To tell myself I'm not mad.

But I'm mad.

What's worse than losing one friend...is losing more than that one friend...is having to SHARE friends with that friend...is having to see that friend with your friends...

I'm evaluating the person I've become.

How careful is TOO careful? I think I need to see the therapist again. Not because I'm crazy, but because I need some way of channeling this anger out healthily. I don't want to be this aggressive closed off person. Twice over, I don't want to be the person to lets the love of my life go because I'm terrified he's going to hurt me.

I want to place this intense amount of blame on "friends." There's this thing called "trust" I used to have. And really, I used to think people were so stupid for saying they didn't trust anyone. I thought that humans were born innately good, but influenced badly...and that it'd be easy to spot the bad apples out. Wrong. So very wrong.

There are times when I feel like this entire state hates me. And what's funny is that the people who cause people to hate you...don't think twice about the damage in your head...the anger in your heart...the pain in your eyes...the feelings of mistrust. Of blatant dislike...near hatred for the vengeful being you've so become.

I'm so angry. And I say it a lot. But it's to the point where I need to hit something already.

Hopefully not a person.