stop hurting. stop hurting. stop hurting. STOP HURTING. DAMNIT.

Man. My life is so FUCKING GOOD.

SO WHY?

WHY can't I get over the hurt? Why can't I get over the motherfucking anger? Why can't I just let the fuck go?

I have Frankie. Yes, I'll say his name. Because I have never in my life felt more love and affection from anyone. And he is downright amazing.

I have the best friends in the entire world. I may not have a lot of them, but I know which ones matter...the ones who have my back NO MATTER FUCKING WHAT. The ones who would drop whatever the fuck and hold your hand in the gurney while you sleep for SIX HOURS.

WHY CAN'T I STOP THINKING ABOUT ALL OF THIS?

WHY WON'T THE NIGHTMARES STOP????

Why won't the anger stop?

Why?

I don't know, but I'd like it to. If I could just erase that memory from my mind, I'd like to...but at the same time I know I can't because I was supposed to learn from it. Is there something yet to learn? I know for a fact that I'm a lot less passive than I used to be. I say everything straight. If I'm mad. I'm mad. If I'm sad. I'm sad. If I'm unhappy with something, I bounce. What else is there to learn? I don't know. I've let go of everything up until this point--the people who have hurt me. The situations that have hurt me. Everything...except with these two people. No matter how much I tell myself to forget. To forgive. I CAN'T.

And I wish people could understand that. And I wish I didn't have to try to MAKE people understand that because I'd be over it by now.

I KNOW they don't care. That's why they keep doing what they do. That's what sucks about people is that they don't give a fuck about you EVER. Even if they're the ones who hurt you.

THEY NEVER. APOLOGIZE.

Am I a hater? YES. But only because I was hated on first. I was shit on first. And I don't throw shit back unless it came at me first. And that's when the gloves come off and the sleeves go up. I NEVER used to be like that. I used to drop shit like it was hot and walk away. I CAN'T DO THAT ANYMORE. I wish I could...but I started realizing that turning the other cheek never got me anywhere in life.

IF I COULD. I'd let go of this vengeance. If I could...but I can't.