How long is long enough?

You know when someone tells you that the second you find the person you want to be with for the rest of your life, you'll know? That's really a funny sentence for me to be saying because for the past four, five, six, seven months or so, I didn't even know how to be in a relationship anymore. Everything I thought I knew, I had to re-learn somehow. I had to somehow re-find my inner strength--have my own lil mini internal focus. And what an interesting experience that was. I had to learn what it was like to really stand on my own two feet.

Maybe it was pride...maybe it was ignorance. I don't know what it was, but maybe I was giving myself too much credit while I was in all these fake love connections. I thought I knew what it was like to be independent--to be without a man. And then the second one man broke up with me, I'd move right on to the next.

I've been single since August 6, 2009...and I'm doing a damn good job of being single, I think. Maybe not so much those first few months, but I'm doing just fine and dandy now. Like I've reiterated time and time again, I've gotten a little more hard-hearted AND hard-headed. That means I know who deserves my heart and who doesn't, and I know how to utilize my brain now...and not think so blankly about men.

Nevertheless, God has me talking to someone...pretty special. It's like if I could bottle up what I've wanted in a guy and have him appear before my eyes, it'd be him. And the reason I ask...how long is long enough...is because there are so many different aspects to that question:

"How long before we make this official?"
"How long before he comes to California?"
"How long before he starts rolling in the income so he can visit me from Chicago more?"
"How long before I tell my family about him?"
"How long before HE tells HIS family about ME?"
"How long...a lot of things..."

And what's awesome is that I've never asked those questions about anyone before. I mean, I don't want to jinx myself...I've made mistakes before...but I can't help but write what I feel when it comes to him...and I've never really done that before...I'd just...keep it all inside because guys tend to think that you're clingy and can't live without them like they're the machistas of the universe or something.

I mean, just because I text you that I miss you doesn't mean I can't live without you. Good God. And when you suddenly stop talking to the guys because you realize it's a waste of your time, they get all needy like, "Why don't you talk to me anymore?" Duh...cuz I felt as though you didn't want me or need me to...I'm not on-call for your life, man. If you don't want to be all clingy then get off my dick, or make up your mind...or something. It's not like I'm sending airplanes in the sky to spell out our initials in the clouds.

Guys tend to forget that we have our own sense of independence as well...emotions aren't clingy-ness. Holding onto you in public isn't PDA. And yes, we can all take jokes. We're not retarded beings. We don't take what you say as seriously as you think we do. We're smart, and if we feel the situation isn't right, we're gonna bounce...at least...that's how I felt for the past few months of my dating stints. I don't deem it necessary to keep texting someone I KNOW is fucking someone else and I'm just his sideline ho, nor do I feel the need to be needed by them.

And THAT'S what I love about FdG. I don't FEEL any of those things. I know his sole focus is on me...and we're taking our time with everything and making good decisions, not just when it comes to each other, but in terms of our individuality too. And I think that in ANY relationship, that's what makes it last. A couple is comprised of TWO individuals, and I think without that strong sense of self, something will go wrong down the line. I know that the long distance is going to be a struggle for the both of us...and for the United States of America, I feel like relationships in general are just going down the drain...

But I figure, if Liza Minelli can get married 500 times, Donald Trump three times, that one dude can marry his adoptive daughter, and all this other random weird relationship stuff can happen, and people can still manage to blame the gays for ruining the institution of marriage, then what does a long distance relationship really have anything to do with anything?

Alright. That's my rant for the night. Buenas noches, mi gente! Te quiero!

Rant about the rest of my life? What???

I don't know why I always feel the need to WRITE DOWN what I want to do for the rest of my life. Part of me feels like, okay, maybe I just feel the need to solidify what's going to happen for the rest of my life. But honestly, when does what you plan ever STAY the way you planned it?

I think watching my Manang walk made me feel like evaluating my life right now, and contemplating different courses to take, and I'm at this really foggy area in my life. Things didn't end up the way I had originally planned them. I was supposed to graduate in Fall 2011, but now I'm going to be a full fifth year. I've completely changed my major, and aspire to have my PhD in Human Development. I keep remapping my classes that I need to take within the next two years to see if I could graduate earlier, but I know it's not gonna happen. I have a lot of things I wanna do, and I know I can do them. And while all of this is happening, I know I have a ton of doubters on my back--which is why I don't really like telling people what I want to do with my life anymore because I don't like feeling judged. I mean, just because YOUR life turned out to be seemingly perfect and fit your blueprint almost exactly doesn't mean that Fate would work the same for me. And obviously it hasn't.

I think what has truly bothered me is not feeling support from those I thought I'd feel support from, and I like to think of myself as a strong individual...and I'm proud of myself for separating myself from those people, and those kind of situations where I felt that the only way to be accepted was to conform to things I didn't find humorous or appealing in any sort of way. I mean, I guess I don't mean to put myself on a higher pedestal than them, but I think I felt...generally not accepted by them...

Now I'm indulging myself in all these interests I didn't even know I had. And I have someone who wants to see me carry out my dreams. And I couldn't have asked for more than the elation I feel at this moment in time.

It's such a blessing that I came back to school. I know it's going to take me longer to graduate...and I'm contemplating walking next June during FilGrad...just to walk with my class...the ones with whom I spent four years here.

I am scared, though...that something's going to happen to screw everything up, or bring me back down to Hell. But I try to tell myself that I've been through such shit already that whatever comes next, I'll be able to get through as well. I have this amazing support system around me, and I'm an infinite times more knowledgeable about what the fuck I'm doing. My faith has grown tremendously, and I'm a lot more hard-hearted towards people who think they can take advantage of me or others.

I have a strong propensity to help people. And I know that won't bring in a lot...but I know it'll be rewarding. I want to be able to finish this life saying that I experienced a lot of shit...and look back and be proud of my legacy.

I hope hope hope that I find it in my heart to truly forgive and let go those who have hurt me...to continue to keep my chin up in such difficult situations.

I think I'm going to make a short term bucket list...so I can accomplish things on the short term instead of living in a future that doesn't exist yet. And I think I'm going to continue to practice living in the present because my present can't survive while my past is present. The past is past and there's nothing I can do to fix it. Things happen for a reason, and sometimes really SHITTY pasts can bring you really furtive presents. Like, FdG.

Or like being reminded of how amazing it is to be so close to my cousins.

Or new jobs. Or new opportunities...or new friends...or better grades! Or better courses in life...things that fit you better not just things you THOUGHT you had to do in order to please someone. Or a doggy (who I miss very very much!!) Or a closeness to the beauty that is Kappa Psi Epsilon. Or...lots of other things.

Alright. I guess I should cut my self-affirmation short for now. Thanks for reading, if you read the whole thing. =)