It's 2:15 AM

I just feel like writing.

Though I'm really not quite sure what to write about. I guess I'll start with the obvious. I miss my family. I miss my cousins a lot. These past few years, we've gotten nothing but closer, and I love it. I don't think anyone can really truly be as close as we are. And I love that we just add people to our family like it's nothing (DCruz and Ronald). Through thick and thin, we're down for each other.

It reminds me of when we were trick-or-treating when we were really young and Manang still went to Morrill Middle and we saw one of her classmates who decided to make fun of her and my Tito Bernard straight walked up to him and set him straight. Then I remember Manang yelling, "Aye! If you mess with me, you mess with my FAMILY!" And it's true. If you mess with one of us, you mess with all of us. I love the feeling of knowing they have my back even from faraway.

Ok. I guess I'll stop being sappy.

I really don't know what else to write. But I just have this really strong urge to write. I feel like my fingers move faster than my brain.

So...since November, I've learned to be happier...to be more content. It almost felt like I was at a standstill for these past couple weeks, actually. I wasn't bored with life, but I was eager to know what was going to happen next. Up until...last Monday, I convinced myself that I was okay with just being single...not caring about anyone. I didn't want to let myself care. Sometimes I still don't want to let myself care. But the thing is I DO care. I'm a caring person...but maybe I was letting myself be too much of a careFUL person. Not that there's anything wrong with careful, but there's nothing wrong with careFREE either. Things happen for a reason. And I feel as though I'm at this high point in my life right now. I remember before, I wouldn't be able to enjoy moments such as these...in fact, I can't even remember a high point like this since, high school maybe? I would always tell myself that it didn't matter that I was happy at that moment because I knew something would happen to make it all come crashing down within the day. Needless to say, things have happened that have made...even the past few months kind of hard, but I found myself not stressing out about them the way I used to. I'm just on this ride called "life" and it's a fun ride. It makes my stomach turn. It makes me want to vomit. It makes me nauseous. But it also makes my heart race. It makes me want to put my arms in the air and feel the wind in my face (though I hate when my hair smells like wind, so that's annoying...). But that's besides the point...the point is...things happen for a reason. And this past week...I'm not sure what this past week was, but it was pretty amazing. I don't feel lonely. I smile way too much. I feel motivated. I feel...a lot of things. Not that I needed anyone to make me feel all these things...but this particular feeling...it's a whole lot more different than before. Sometimes things seem right, but feel completely wrong. Yet you roll with it because it SEEMS right. I know this seems...out of the ordinary to say the least, but it feels really right. And this is something I want to just...keep rolling with because it doesn't SEEM right. It FEELS right. I promised myself I wouldn't put myself in situations that were unhealthy for me. For the past five months, I've been practicing ways of making healthy decisions for myself. I've built up my strength. I've let go. I've forgiven. I've fought my urges to retaliate against those who have hurt me. I've held onto and revisited the people who TRULY care for me. I've met new ones who make me feel like I've known them for a million years prior to our meeting. I've truly been happier. Waking up isn't an obligation anymore. Crying isn't something that I'm used to doing anymore. And I look back on that person who couldn't pick herself up out of bed in the morning and I am so glad that monster has left her. I'm so glad that monster has left me. I could NOT appreciate life more than at this moment.

I remember something that Claire said to the Kappas last Monday.

"I am stronger than I was yesterday."

I am stronger than I was yesterday. And everyday is a new experience no matter how miniscule. Everyday truly is the beginning of the rest of my life.

Alright. Goodnight =)