Mmkay.

I don't usually do this, but I'll just go out on a limb and blurt this shit out because I can't hold it in anymore.

But. Hm. Okay where do I start?

It still hurts.

I'm not sure how long it will hurt, but it hurts. And it's angering. And no I can't just drop it because I was done wrong. And I can't do anything about it. I can't hit you or key your car or pull your hair and punch you in the throat. I can't DO any of that because even though some violent part of me wants to, the logical and thought-provoking side knows that I don't care that much to waste my energy.

People baffle me. Really they do.

My individual personality thrives on respect, values, truth, and loyalty...independence and a strong work ethic at that. When I see people who can't follow one of these for me, I feel disrespected, and that is no lie. These are basic virtues by which the human race exists. And though the instinctual hate sometimes takes over, THESE values are what is important for us to feel we are good individuals.

I don't know if it is shame or pride that is holding you back from looking me in the eye. Because I will tell you right now, the reason I can't look at you is because my blood boils when I see you. And like all heated things, I will need some time to cool down.

A simple sorry would have been good.

I am happy for everything you have in your lives, and I am happy and content with where I am in mine. I am regretful for how things have turned out, but I have learned a great deal of self-respect and I feel gratitude to those who are truly loyal to me and have my back.

Thanks to them, I could go on without either of you in my life.

So squeeze her hand and tell her it's okay when you see me passing by. Draw hearts on her face or tell her she's pretty. And go ahead and hold his hand and grind up on him when you see me passing by. Draw hearts on his hands or tell him he gives you no reason to be sad.

That's all you. All day. Everyday. I can finally see...you have no place in my life, and I have no place in yours.

Peace easy, beezies. Deuces.

Man. Eff the flu.

So. My first week back at Davis was incredibly fun. Can't say I wanted it to be any different. I've learned that you can't be stressin' over stuff. If you stress, you're probably just slowing yourself down more by stressin'.

Sometimes I do question this transformation that I've made since being sick and recuperating and all that...and I wonder what kind of person I am and how the world views me. I don't care about how the world views me as much as I used to, but I think that a person SHOULD care SOMEWHAT about how they are viewed in the eyes of society.

I miss work a lot. I miss my girls. Going a week without them is pretty hellish, and I'm not usually like that when it comes to keeping in touch. I kinda just bounce and peace out and all that. But I had some genuine times with them...so I'm gonna visit them tomorrow regardless if I have this damn flu still or not.

Sometimes I feel like I put up a front to make me seem tougher than I am so that I don't get hurt yenno? And I don't mean by guys. I mean by all sorts of people. I could really give a rats ass if betrayal is a "part of life" or whatever, but how much betrayal does a person need to go through 'til that part of life is over? I guess that's what makes me question what kind of person I am to people to make it so easy for them to betray me.

And see, that's not something I stress about, but it IS something I question. So much so that since I've "gotten better" or whatever, I've been told that I obviously hold in a lot of anger. And the thing is...I don't feel like I hold in a lot of anger! I feel like if you have my back, I have yours, it's as simple as that. It doesn't matter if I know you half an hour or half a lifetime, as long as you're loyal, and we have that understanding, that's all that matters. But I will admit that I am queen of the golden grudge, so don't piss me off or you'll be on my shit list forever. I mean, isn't it like that for everyone? But the thing that people don't see is that even though I have so many haters out there or whatever, I have never once retaliated. I've wanted to...I've wanted to throw down my earrings and swing a good one at people's faces (granted, okay yeah, I did ONCE...and in fifth grade I threw a book at someone's face...okay...sorry...) but I don't USUALLY retaliate. So maybe that's why people think I hold in a lot of anger? I don't know. I'm thinking out loud. And I have this throbbing headache. So I'm kinda just throwing out thoughts like vomit.

Anyway, yeah. Being sick is boring. There's nothing to do.