I'm just gonna talk, and you're gonna listen.

You have the choice to read...to not read...whatever.

I'm delirious.

It's 6:06 AM. I just went to bed less than four hours ago. I woke up with a burning feeling in my chest, and just thinking about how it alluded to how I was five months ago...waking up dry heaving and with the most insane burning feeling at the bottom of my esophagus coupled with the inability to eat, and topping it all off with a dramatic loss of weight and landing myself in the hospital.

I don't have those same feelings that I had back then, but it certainly got me up and thinking.

When I feel helpless, I start doing stuff, and I'm proud to say that my room here in Davis is exactly how I pictured it to be when I moved in in August. I finally hung up some pictures and got some things to make it mine. I fixed it up and threw away the junk that made it remind me of past days...stressful days...days that made me feel like all the things I said above.

Looking back on it, I couldn't appreciate life more than I do at this very second. And every second that comes after this will always be better than the second that preceded it.

I came home from 2 Kappa meetings. One for GABNet. If you don't know what it is, I suggest you look it up. (Anti-Sex Trafficking) You know, it sucks that women and children get shipped off to far off lands and into the hands of sickos who want them solely for their sexual advances. It's so sick. And it's so hard to believe that it could have been your boss. It could have been your next door neighbor. It could have been the guy you shook hands with at the club on Friday. So sick that you don't know who these sickos are who invest in such a disgusting demeanor.

I figure that that's another thing I'd try to do as a graduate of either Human Development or Community Regional Development. I know that I kind of want to manage a business, but I also want to give back to these communities that Kappa has taught me so much about and broadened my views to.

I'm hella thankful I'm a Kappa. No joke.

The second meeting mentally and emotionally exhausted me. It irritated me. It amused me. It pulled out so many emotions out of me, but I loved it. It reminded me of the goals I strive for as a sister of Kappa Psi Epsilon and a predecessor for generations to come. Inspiration is a beautiful thing, but it's something that has to come from within. I can't give it to y'all. You can't get it from a quote or from some sort of book or from whatever. Inspiration comes from something that y'all do for yourself. I finally see that I can't hold hands anymore. It's something I want to see grow out of someone else, and shit...knowing I HELPED CREATE INSPIRATION will probably inspire me. But nevertheless...it's something that comes from within. As motherfucking corny as that sounds. Trust me, sometimes I wish people who read my blogs could hear the way I say this shit in my head because it's sarcastic, but serious at the same time. It's a funny little paradox in my head...

...but anyway...

Yeah...I've decided I might wanna take this assistant manager job at the bar. It's an opportunity, not to put myself in a higher authority position, but to A) Help the business thrive because I truly love it. B) Open up doors for more opportunities later.

I'm not necessarily someone who HAS to make my own money anymore. For years, my family has struggled financially...literally scraping up the bottom of the bucket for whatever pennies we had to pay our bills. While my parents try to convince me that they can help me now, they can give me this allowance, they can blah blah blah for me...I'm at the point where I am not at liberty to take it. I like working for everything I have. It's always been the person I am, and the person I strive to be. I used to be a workaholic, I will admit. So much so that I wore myself out into ulcerville. But now I know that stress is a state of mind. Stress is good as a motivator, but when it becomes an overbearing weight, you can't be afraid to say that something can't be your responsibility anymore and accept help from those around you.

These past five months went by so quickly, and I experienced so much growth, refound so much passion, and fell in love with my life.

You seriously have to take things in stride and wake up thankful for each breath that you take, or each growing pain you endure, each bite of life you get to taste, every smile you get to smile, etc.

I can't wait to come back to school, but I am so sad to leave my SJ life behind. It's all pretty bittersweet.

Anyway, it's now 6:29 AM, and I actually want to sleep before the drive back with Katherine, and my shift at the bar.

Buena Noche...or Buenos Dias...however you wanna see it.