Sometimes the things you love the most are the most painful to live with.

I miss journaling. I miss writing my thoughts down on paper because it forces me to slow down and truly think about what I'm thinking about.

Lately, the person I have never wanted to become has engulfed my very being--turning me into a cynical and bitter young woman; forgetting that every breath I take may be my last.

I find myself in the shower, planning out my funeral and wondering who would go--if I meant anything to them. Then feeling guilty enough afterwards because how vain would my spirit be to go to my own funeral?

I am me, and I thought no one could weather my strength, but it has been weathered many a time this year by so many various causes that I am eroded to a blunt smooth stone--nearly unaffected by the waves crashing on me, and numb to all feeling around me. Heartless. Because I'm a stone.

My experiences. Or what I consider to be the jagged edges that used to be my limbs are gone...sanded away and taken off to sea--never to be seen or remembered except maybe for a small particle here and there passing a plankton on the way to God knows where.

And maybe I'm being eccentric and nonsensical. Maybe I'm being "emo". Maybe I'm the only one who gets me. Maybe I'm the only one who ever got me.

Sometimes the least expected shit happens to you. Sometimes the least expected and most painful thing could turn into something beautiful. Take my family. Our experiences in the past year have brought us to depths that we never thought we'd have to tread through, but we are together and strong. And we get Sonics in the middle of the night because we can.

I am told that my passion for certain things is immense--too much sometimes, idealistic. UNrealistic.

To them I say, that the strongest and most remembered people had nothing BUT passion. They had nothing but pain, but what they had more was ENDURANCE and PASSION. I am passionate, but I would never force my thoughts upon anyone. And if anyone is insecure about life, it is me for sure.

My life has been dictated by the society I live in, and the people I associate with. My life has been dictated by everyone but me.

I am trying to gain that control back.

Gone are the days when I was 18 and carefree. I knew when I was living those days that they would be over soon, and I never knew, and still don't know when I will feel that elated and suspended feeling again: where I am ethereal and watching my life play before me and being entertained by it, and loving every moment of it. Inhaling the good times like a drug.

Influence.

"We are the most addicting drug because we can never live above ourselves".

I am my best friend and my worst enemy.

I am my pain and my comfort.

I am my own source of irony, obviously.

I am intelligent. I am beautiful. I am sarcastic. I am strange. I am everything I think I want to be. And damn you if you want to change me into what I am not. Damn you if you ever thought for a second that I wasn't worth something because I am in case you didn't know.

My heart is fragile and extremely weak. Its beats are getting slower because the drive for life is running on empty. My limbs are cold because the circulation isn't flowing through my fingertips much like they used to.

My hands are dry. Thirsty and dehydrated. My mother was told that her dry cracked calloused hands signified her hard work and dedication. Her hard work and dedication to me. To enable me and present me with a life where I don't feel as I do right now.

I am taking after her. My hands are dry, and it makes me self conscious to shake people's hands because I believe that is what they think. My hands are my work. They are what I have. They are my mediums to life.

My eyes evoke feeling, but I feel like people don't want to stare at them because they're afraid of falling into some sort of abyss that they're not going to like. That they don't want to experience for themselves. At least that's real.

Heart, Hands, Eyes. My body is my fortitude. I respect myself physically and mentally despite being broken by outside forces. I will persevere even if ya'll don't think so. I have resisted oppression before, and I'll do it again because I was raised to resist that which is set to tear me apart.

I can live above this influence.
I can live above myself.

Thanks.

Thanks for letting me watch you abuse someone I love.

Thanks for making fun of me when I already felt like I didn't have a stronghold.

Thanks for calling me a slut.

Thanks for making me victimize myself.

Thanks for making me feel like less than myself.

Thanks for making me wonder what it was that I did wrong.

Thanks for ignoring me in my times of greatest need.

Thanks for using my body for your own needs.

Thanks for making me wonder if that's all I'm good for.

Thanks for putting mediocre things above me.

Thanks for putting me in the hospital.

Thanks for lying.

Thanks for making ME feel terrible for lying.

Thanks for hitting me.

Thanks for the bloody knuckles.

Thanks for the choke marks.

Thanks for calling me to say you'll rape me.

Thanks for the cuts and scars.

Thanks for the midnight rides to the middle of nowhere to contemplate what I'm doing here.

Thanks for putting me out of school.

Thanks for the betrayal.

Thanks for being ignorant.

Thanks for accusing me of every bad thing under the sun.

Thanks for not thinking I'm grown up.

Thanks for thinking you're better than I am...when you're not.

Thanks for my pent up anger.

Thanks.

Thanks to all the people, including myself, who have added to that list.

If it weren't for you, I wouldn't be who I am today. And I'm being hella real. Don't think I'm less than what I am. Don't think I'm not strong. Don't think I need you to attend a pity party. EVER. If you DO think that, then you don't know me as well as you thought you did.

Unbelievably annoyed.

A - Available: YEP. Not lookin' though.
B - Best Friend: Krystal
C - Crush: _ _ _ _ _
D - Dad’s Name: Edweirdo
E - Easiest Person To Talk To: Randeezy, Sean, Roomies and Ashley
F - Favorite Band: Taking Back Sunday
G - Gummy Bears Or Worms: Chocolate covered bears or sour gummy worms
H - Hometown: San Jose, CA
I - Instrument: Piano
J - Job: Full-time student, SUPPOSED to be manager at Info Center =(
K - Kids: I want three...two boys and a girl...
L - Longest Car Ride: SJ to Wyoming. Or Maryland to Canada. Or California to Canada. Or SJ to SD. Iderno.
M - Milk Flavor: Plain? Or Chocolate.
N - Number Of Siblings: 1/2
O - One Wish: For shit to work out.
P - Phobias: Disappointment, and things I can't fight. Spiders.
Q - Favorite Quote: I'd rather die on my feet than live on my knees.
R - Reason To Smile: Family, Friends, Food
S - Song You Last Heard: Nas - These Are Our Heroes
T - Time You Woke Up: 12:30
U - Unknown Fact About Me: I need to sleep with at least two pillows. I feel better if there's a pillow next to me because then I'll feel like I'm sleeping next to a ghost. I once had a dream that I woke up next to a dead person. So uh...yeah.
V - Vegetable: Bell peppers! Onions!
W - Worst Habits: Ignoring messes in my room.
X - X-Rays You’ve Had: Teeth, knee, stomach, back, haha.
Y - Your Favorite Food: Nilaga, Kare Kare, Mexican food.
Z - Zodiac Sign: Sagittarius!

I used to think I knew who I was, now I'm not so sure.

I'm getting used to hiding my feelings. I always thought that the people who shared their feelings were the strongest kind of people, but now I don't think that's true. I used to be really outspoken with my feelings, but I can't help but feel like I'm burden.

Guys always tell you they'll be there to listen. They tell you they'll be there for you to help carry you through your hard times, but then they aren't. I'm sorry but I can't believe that guys like that exist. I don't trust anyone, and maybe that's better.

It's not like I don't love myself, I think it's just better to keep my guard up from now on...to keep from getting hurt. I don't know if that makes me less of an interesting person to be around or what. I'm just so confused.

I start to doubt myself...like is it me? Am I the problem? I thought I did things right, but I guess there must be something in me that's missing all the time...always the bridesmaid never the bride...I'm the best friend not the leading lady. And that sucks. Like really...it does. It's not like I have a problem being single. I'm having fun, but I'm still confused. I wish there was some tactful way of asking someone what's wrong with what I do. I try to do what's good for me, and people call me selfish. I try to do what's right for others, and they tell me I'm being TOO selfless. What the hell does this society want from me? And then the people I think I love find people who...I'm sorry, but I'm better than...naturally. What does that boring person have that I don't have? You know? What does that mediocre girl have that I don't have? Why are you yelling at me right now over something so simple? Why am I to blame again? SO CONFUSING.

And so I've decided it's just better to not let your feelings get involved anymore...which I think is very sad. I just can't find it in me to trust. I guess I make bad decisions when it comes to guys or something.

Oh and this isn't a pity party or anything. I think I'm great and awesome...and I don't think I'm bad looking or anything. I just feel like I'm stepping into the love game for the first time again...and this time, I don't know wtf I'm doing because everything I've done thus far doesn't work. They did at the time, but I must have gotten guy stupid over the years.

Please don't feel sorry for me either. I'm not saying I'm a "nice girl who finishes last." Don't walk on egg shells around me. Just tell me what's up. Relationships would be so much easier if everyone was just straightforward with each other, but apparently that's the wrong thing to do because I've been doing that for years and getting shafted. So uh...

...if I could, I would make my entire past a mystery. I would start anew and make sure the guy I liked didn't know crap about my past. We would just be happy and ignorant to everything. Ignorance really is bliss...truth is ridiculous.

(I totally think everything I'm saying is retarded, by the way, but this is apparently the way society is supposed to work...so I might as well dumb myself down for it, right?)

And sometimes I wonder if you wonder what I wonder.

Sometimes I don't know why my tongue gets tied, or why my heart races.

If I could, I would just jump the wall I put up and let me be myself, but I can't.

I feel like I'm in a predicament.

I feel like I can't be myself around you, but you're the only person I'd want to be myself around.

I hate being mushy.

I hate not being tough.

I hate being weak.

I hate pushing myself in, then pulling myself back out.

Gah. I hate that I love you.