Dude,

I thought Christmas 2007 was bad. Christmas 2009 is worse. After everything that's been going on in my life, I finally felt like I was getting a stronghold again. And for the most part, I haven't given up hope on that. However, things have happened to bring me back down...or try to. It's weird because before my "incident", I would have probably reacted harshly...I mean, I still did, but I mean MORE harshly. OR I wouldn't have reacted at all and just held my feelings in until I blew up some other time. Right now, I'm at a fork in the road. I don't know how to react, or if the reactions that already happened were the right reactions.

I was really upset earlier...crying in the parking lot of the Dollar Tree and then on the way to the mall and then IN the mall. I could barely enjoy buying presents for my cousin and niece.

I'm not being pessimistic. I'm genuinely confused. I'm taking things as they come, leaving things that already happened in the past and not even trippin' about the future. It's like that movie Beautiful Mind with Russell Crowe? In the end, his schizophrenia was still there...the "people" were still following him, but he went on living his life. It's like that...the thoughts are still there. They're placid, as if it's a lake. And if you throw a stone into the lake, the entire thing ripples. I just don't know how I want to handle this. Part of me is saying to let it go. Another part of me is holding onto my anger.

And to be honest, I could have called someone when I was upset. But I don't want to anymore. It's like I just want to be free of clinging to anyone for support because I can't be let go again. I don't think I can handle that...at least, not right now. I don't want to call anyone because I can handle this. I got this. People tell me, "Well there are some things you can't handle on your own." Well, I thought the people that would help me out would, and where are they now? So in all essence, all my trials and tribulations MUST stay with me. My guard feels like it's going to be up forever.

It's sad to say I can't trust.

I refuse to be weak ever again. I vow to never put myself in a position that will jeopardize me..my passion..my heart.

And it's not giving up. It's being careful.

I just can't deal with everyone's judgments of me anymore. I mean, fuck it, and fuck you if you think lowly of me. It's easy if it's a friend...but when it's family members, I REALLY don't know how to deal. And I'm getting tired of hearing it everyday.

If you ever wanted to know why I grew up thinking I was a piece of crap, there you go. Even though I really don't think I'm a piece of crap. I think I'm pretty awesome actually. But something always happens, or something always has to be said to make me all of a sudden think otherwise.

I really don't have the energy or finances to celebrate Christmas this year. I feel like my eyes are about to close from the puffiness. And my insides feel really tired.

I guess, though, it's time to put on that gameface I put on so well and just deal.

Just a thought...

I don't think people can truly realize what it feels like to TRULY let go of something you thought you cared about. Thinking back on memories, you feel like you were in a dream. It's almost as if I have to tell myself, "I was dreaming, now I'm awake." But I wasn't dreaming. I was conscious. My feelings were real.

I have no regrets.

I don't think this is hard anymore, but I get taken aback sometimes. I feel like, I'm going to keep walking forward, but will I ever see or know this person again? You wonder, but you keep moving forward...because you can't look back. You let your past fizzle behind you, and you just take it all one stride at a time.

And you find yourself wanting to care, but you don't. And you go on to doing other things with other people; tasting new flavors and feeling liberated. I don't find myself asking "What if?" anymore.

The only thing that just perplexes me is the whole...you spend so much time with someone...getting to know them...to, I guess, "love" them, and then in the blink of an eye they can be gone, and it's almost as if they never existed at all.

Not friends on Facebook or MySpace, or not caring about what they're doing or thinking or posting or whatever.

Although the Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind contraption doesn't truly exist, I can probably say this is the closest to it I'll get.

I guess I care about this person's well-being just as a human being...but that's all he is now. Just a person...a passerby. Not even a friend.

After everything...he...you...are just a piece of dust in the wind...

Mistakes.

Man, what did I just do?

I guess...it's better to know the truth then. To be honest, I don't even think I'm angry anymore...at either of them. I don't feel a pang of pain. I'm not sure what I feel. I felt like my eyes burned out of their sockets when I saw what I saw...read what I read.

I mean, I feel good about where I am. I feel pretty amazing actually. I think I've for the most part forgiven what's happened. I'm not really as bitter anymore...nor do I have the energy to be. I just wish I could forget totally. If there was anyway to erase a past, would I do it? I don't think I would, but sometimes I wish I could.

Past makes your present, and present makes your future. So I'm trying really hard to just juice the shit out of this present to build this path for an awesome future. I know I can weather anything. I really do. It's truly time to move on.

This is quite possibly the most positive I've ever been in my life. When the time comes to worry, I will. Nothing crazy has happened yet, so there's no need to be trippin' about shit that hasn't happened. And yes, stuff HAS happened, obviously...stuff they thought I would be oblivious to. I'm not. I'm not stupid. I'm not dumb. I'm really intelligent and kind of sly and fun and funny. Sometimes I wish that the people who ditched me could see that, but I realize that if they didn't make it to my present, then they have no place in my future.

I know people prolly get tired of these kind of posts, but I feel that just reaffirming myself everyday makes me a lil bit stronger as the days go by.

I love the people who stayed, and I can't wait to get to know the people who have yet to come =).

Later peeps.

I hate to say this like it's his fault, but I have been in utter irritation since my dad has been home from the Philippines.

He's been in a bad mood, consequently putting me in a terrible mood as well. A lot of people don't know the dynamics of my family because I don't share a lot, but it's not often the best environment to be in. Don't get me wrong, I love my family a lot and would throw myself in front of a thousand bullets for them, but I get really stressed out when I'm home most days.

It's been seven weeks since I've been home from the hospital, and the days that I thought would never end have gone by like leaves in the wind. Now I'm dealing with a new kind of "days I think will never end." It doesn't feel like the holidays to me. I don't feel warm inside. I don't feel excitement. I feel kind of lonely, and I feel like the only way to distract the loneliness is by drowning it out with something else. I guess that's maybe why I always felt the need to be in a relationship...because it's like having a jar to put your problems and worries into and know that they'll stay safe. I was obviously proven wrong. And suddenly I feel so inadequate. Even though I know I'm not. I oftentimes feel like I'm doing something wrong...like I'm not doing anything right...EVEN THOUGH I'm not even doing anything at all!

So I've been hanging out with someone lately, and what I love about him is that he's not afraid to tell it like it is...and not in a way that dehumanizes me and makes me feel below myself, but in a way that kind of rips the carpet out from under me and makes me hit my head on the hard floor of reality. I don't need anyone to make me strong or to tell me what I'm doing is wrong or right or pass their judgment about me. Fuck you if you do. Seriously. "Let he who is without sin be the first to throw the stone," is what I say. But this person...he doesn't JUDGE ME. He tells me facts. FACTS. "This is that, that is this." And it's when I hear the FACTS that I can decipher what feels right and wrong for me. NOT "This is WRONG, this is RIGHT," because that's what's wrong and right for YOU...not for ME. And I mean, I don't NEED anyone to tell me the facts I already know, but it's nice to think out loud sometimes and not have your thoughts and feelings absorbed by the walls and ceilings surrounding you, but rather by actual ears.

I am itching to be out of the house these days because I can't deal with these holiday stressors. I feel like the holidays are more of an obligation than a celebration sometimes. I honestly hate the mall when there are a thousand people in it. I hate walking into a store knowing the workers are livid because a group of fobs walked in and tore the tshirt shelf apart looking for their sizes because then it makes me livid with the fobs as well...GOD, have they no respect for the store, right? I don't find joy in wrapping my MOTHER'S gifts for her friends. I didn't want to decorate the tree. GAH! It's like I'm this big ball of pessimism and irritation. I just wanna go out and meet new people at the places I'm allowed into now. I want to have conversations with perfect strangers over drinks at a bar, and then never see them again. I want to laugh and make memories with my sisters and friends and cousins. I want to wake up and see Stitch on my bed ready to lick my face. I can't wait to do the Secret Santa gift exchange with my cousins, and I can't wait to dance on top of tables with my Ate Aileen after a couple glasses of wine.

I mean, I know I can't escape all these obligations, but I think that obligations make the holidays lose its essence...which is why I just want to break out and have fun and not care about jack shit anymore. I noticed that I've been "caring" too much about crap that I never cared about myself...and the times I didn't realize were fun flew away into my memory without me realizing their full potential of fun-ness.

I just want me time.

I need to simmer down...forgive my past...live for the future...and ENJOY my present. And trust me, it's not like I stopped caring altogether...because I do, but I can't care about everything to the extent I did before because then I know I'll just end up forgetting to live. I know that right now, I may not be making the BEST decisions, but at least I'm LIVING in my decisions rather than trusting my decisions to live for me. Do you know what I mean? It's like before, I used to use my decisions as my navigators for life. Now, I LIVE and my decisions are just whatever...que sera sera. Whatever will be will be. Sometimes I know I let my anger get the best of me, and sometimes I know my decisions take people by surprise. But they're still my anger and my decisions. At least I'm living them for myself and not for anyone else. I need to find that which makes me happy again...like my poetry, my singing (though I should probably stop doing bad things with my voice in order to make that happen), my calligraphy, my future tattoos...etc.

I haven't given up on love, yet, though. I have eyes for a person. He knows who he is...and hopefully we can work the shit out we need to in order to be together in the future sometime. I get confused though sometimes...where I'm not sure if I'm making the right decisions, but then I remember what I'm supposed to be working at and I think that if I keep loving myself enough then the decisions will come naturally and I'll be more sure of myself and I'll be more confident in what I'm doing. I NEED this kind of fun and freedom from relationships anyway.

I've always known who I am, but sometimes I forget how awesome that person is...and I just need to get reacquainted with her for a bit. =P

Hopefully I won't be as irritated...and I hope someone takes me to Christmas in the Park, haha.