CERTAIN PEOPLE

...have now reminded me why I stopped going on Tumblr.

Begin vent:

Right now, I'm studying for my midterm feeling mixed emotions.

For those of you close to me, you know this quarter has been nothing BUT hell for me. Yet I continue to wake up everyday, and all of a sudden, the future doesn't even matter. You know why? Because I can't think about the future when the trudge through just the DAY is a struggle. The pain in my heart, in my soul, and in my body has taken a toll on me emotionally, mentally, and physiologically. I am fully aware that I am NOT myself. I, too, must pick myself up from falling several times in the mud.

I have to congratulate myself every morning for waking up, and every night for getting through the day.

I congratulate myself for going to school and continuing to let my education serve me as best as it can in my physical and emotional state.

I am learning that the "friends" I thought were my "FRIENDS" are really not that great friends. They're just good friends to EACH OTHER. Maybe they're naive, who knows, to my feelings because if you only knew that what you were doing was seriously killing me...then I would hope that you wouldn't have the heart to do it anymore. YET, I don't dare confront you. I can't control your life. It's up to you to think about what you're doing and how it affects the people around you. You are not my responsibility.

I'm angry that certain moments that were supposed to be MY MOMENTS are being had with OTHER PEOPLE, and suddenly my presence is moot. I have been deemed invisible and disposable, and I am coming to the realization that I was nothing more to many people as a certain someone's significant other. EVEN TO that certain someone himself. Never was I "Kathleen". You can say my name, but your actions say different. Your actions say "Kathleen: acquaintance".

It takes everything in me to hold it all together nowadays. But THE THING IS: I DO HOLD IT ALL TOGETHER. Despite everything, I am trying my DAMNDEST to recover.

I AM strong. If I wasn't, I would have been gone a long time ago.

I am taking this time for myself to reevaluate. I am learning that there is a TON of people out there who I didn't even KNOW care about me, and I am learning that I need to take my DESIRE TO BE LIKED by certain people and TRANSFER IT to the people who DO love me. Those of you whose attention I have desired have kicked my compassion to the curb and then left it there to rot whether you REALIZE IT OR NOT. I had to go pick it up out of the gutter and dust it off because I refuse to not let myself FEEL anymore.

But there have been a TON of you...an UNEXPECTED TON OF YOU...who have picked me up when I was crying in the middle of a REALLY bad anxiety attack, who have cried with me, who have KEPT me from doing the bad shit I think about doing on the daily. You stand with me on curbs and wait for the people who need to drive my car because I'm too effed up to drive it.

What can I say except, THANKS. Thank you.

I have FEELINGS. As do YOU. I am not some person who is impervious to making mistakes. I make a ton, so do you. The key is to face your mistakes and your failures. I have good days and I have BAD DAYS. And when I say bad, I mean BAD. BAD BAD TERRIBLE DAYS where things seem like they're never gonna get better.

My sister told me something, and I swear, some of you don't think I listen to you, but I listen to you:

GOD DOESN'T GIVE YOU STRUGGLES THAT YOU CAN'T HANDLE.

So even though I fucking feel betrayed and hurt and SICK and I'm in and out of the hospital and in and out of THERAPY. YES THERAPY. AND PROUD TO SAY I'M IN THERAPY. At least I'm still LIVING and BREATHING and FIGHTING. I'm FIGHTING for my LIFE back. Because my life and my LOVE isn't supposed to be gone to shits because a couple people decided, for shits n giggles, that it'd be cool to tease me, or a COUPLE people decided it'd be cool that despite my pain, it'd be cool to hella keep reminding me of him even if my love hasn't diminished. My life isn't supposed to go to shits cuz a couple people decided there was a hierarchy in life where people are better than others. My life isn't supposed to go to shits cuz my family had a couple financial issues here and there that made me worry about whether or not I'd even have a home to go HOME to when I'm not at school.

Angel, girl, I feel ya on your post from earlier. You said it just how I've thunk it.

I'm not full of contradictions. I am doing everything I can to make myself better. Cuz if I wasn't, then I would be nonexistent.

And tell me, if I am not me, then who will be?

END vent.

UPSIDE: I have a puppy.