“The irony of love is loving the right person at the wrong time, having the wrong person when the time is right, and finding out that you love someone right after that person has walked out of your life. Sometimes you think you’re already over a person, but when you see them smile at you, you suddenly realize that you’re just pretending to be over them, just to ease the pain of knowing that they will never be yours again. For some, letting go is one way of expressing how much they love a person, but for others it’s holding on to that special feeling as long as possible before it fades away. Most relationships tend to fail not because of the absence of love, love is always present, it’s just that one was being loved too much and the other wasn’t being loved enough. We all know that the heart is the center of the body, but it beats on the left. maybe that’s the reason why the heart is not always right. Most often, we fall in love with the person we think we love only to discover that for them, we are just a pass time, while the one who truly loves us remains either a friend or a stranger. So here’s a piece of advice: let go when you are hurting too much. Give up when you or the other believes love isn’t enough, and move on when things are not like before. there is someone out there who will honestly love you, and only then will you know true love.”

"I want to hear you scream you like me better on my knees"

I think I'm bipolar. I really really do.

The extreme wave of emotions inside me makes my insides irk with pain, joy, acceptance, placidity, hurt, and anger all at once. It affects me physically. Not being able to sleep is making me hate my brain. I had no idea when I heard about this thing called "heartbreak" that there were so many stages and facets of it.

Letting go of anything is difficult. I'm trying to let go of psychological time. I'm trying to get rid of living for my future and trying to fix my unfixable past. Everything I was back then was what made me what I am now--both good and bad. If good had not happened, I would have been dead by now, and if bad had not happened, I would not have gained wisdom from that experience. It's as if the past is easier to deal with for the sole purpose that it already happened. The future, however, it's a little bit harder because the future is merely a projection of what CAN be, and that's scarier than what already happened. I'm trying to understand that what I am doing at this very moment in time is going to affect that future. I am trying to want things for myself, but I think I have yet to grasp the fact that my body is a needy shell. It needs all of these things to feel safe. In my head I imagine myself as a little child imagining that I need to create a fort in order to feel safe so I pile up all these pillows and blankets all over me...needing every single corner and hole to be covered.

It's the same thing.

Yet for the past, I can't help but ask questions about why things happened the way they did. Why did so and so not realize that I needed them in my time of deep need? Is it because they're too busy creating their own fort? Why can't we all be part of one another's fort? Isn't that what compromise is? Why is it that in EVERYDAY situations, someone gets the shaft of something?

When you interact with someone, is someone not getting shafted in one way or another? Think about it....Really.

I miss happiness. I haven't been happy in so long because I was looking for something from someone else's shell. And while I was merely a pillow decorated on their fort, they were safe inside ignorant to the turmoil and the thrashing outside.

And while this sounds a lot like my mere heartbreak, I'm finding that I've had my heart broken not just by a boy...but by those who teased me, left me, betrayed me. I'm realizing that it wasn't me chained on the outside of the fort keeping whoever was inside safe, it was my heart. My heart is what kept whoever was inside the fort safe. Should I stop using my heart?

"You should want things. You deserve to. I really miss you though. It's cold and lonely in my bed without you =("

Ten points to whoever can name that person.

What he misses most is me sleeping next to him. I was, quite literally, his security blanket.

I wish I didn't rack my head up so much wanting him to understand, but I think I just feel so shafted in all of this that it's almost as if I'd feel better if he just UNDERSTOOD. If he said "sorry" and MEANT being sorry...not just

"I'm really sorry that it has [come to me crying as a norm]"

"I'm sorry you feel that way"

"I'm sorry"

" =/ "

The emoticon is my favorite because I truly love how he talks to me like I'm a poor person begging a bank exec for an extra loan. He talks to me as if he took an extra class in college on how to be apathetic to others' hardships and pains. I truly love how he ran from me. I truly love how he "loved" me, then left me because bad things started happening to me and I needed him to be my shoulder, but he just didn't know how...to me, that is just as bad as cheating I think.

And then he says,

"You think this is easy for me? To hear that you cry every single night because of me"

"I asked you to do ONE THING for me when we first got together...don't lie and don't cheat"

"It's getting harder to talk to you"

To all of which I say,

"I asked ONE THING OF YOU when we got together...to LISTEN TO ME. Just listen, fuck that's fucking simpler than lying and cheating. And maybe I wouldn't have lied or cheated if someone listened to me long enough and sincerely enough."

"Is it getting harder to talk to me because I express how I feel?"

Let me get this straight. I never ONCE asked him to CHANGE HIMSELF for me. No one has to CHANGE WHO THEY ARE BECAUSE THEY ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP...but ALAS. I practically had to flip myself upside down and all around. I got around to BEGGING to have a conversation.

I asked him to re read our conversations and tell me what he missed. I talked about deep things, mind you. REALLY DEEP THINGS.

And what does he miss?

"The time we were sitting in Dennys and making racist jokes."

"I miss taking naps with you."

"I miss insert stupid shit that is irrelevant to everything I've ever wanted, but is everything he expected a relationship to be here."

THAT'S what he remembers. HE REMEMBERS ME being an IDIOT.

He won't admit it, but he DOES want a robotic conformist girlfriend. He DOES want that because at least a robotic conformist girlfriend won't want to have conversations and she won't want to talk about how life is the way it is. At least a robotic conformist girlfriend will laugh when told to laugh and drink when told to drink. She'll be perfect and she won't cheat because she'll do everything he says from the get-go.

A relationship IS work. And he broke my heart. He breaks my heart EVERY TIME he is in my brain. I just want him to GET OUT OF MY BRAIN. I want him out of there, out of my thoughts. I want him to stop stepping on my heart. He stepped on my heart. STEPPED ON IT.

And I'm not saying I wasn't wrong, too, so don't for a SECOND say that I'm being biased because I know I did things wrong, too. Don't EVER TELL ME what I DID WRONG BECAUSE I'M ALREADY PAYING FOR IT. YET PEOPLE KEEP BRINGING IT UP because it's the only way to get me to SHUT UP.

YOU SHUT UP.

YOU GIVE YOUR HEART TO SOMEONE AND HAVE THEM LOOK AT YOU WITH EMPTY EYES AND THEN FIND SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO LISTEN TO YOU, SO YOU END UP CHEATING. YOU DO IT. AND TALK TO ME ABOUT IT.

WE'LL SEE HOW SHIT TURNS OUT.

I can't stop crying.

Going to sleep at 6 AM truly makes me feel insane.

Love makes people think crazy things, and want to do to crazy things, but the thing is, I don't think I would be this crazy if he just talked to me maybe. Maybe.

It's so hard to let my anger flow through me...I don't want him to hate me.

I wish there was some way to tell him...to make him realize that he hurt me just as much as I hurt him, and that we could have worked if he just talked to me.

On TV, they show that depressed people's spouses/partners leave them because they just can't deal with stuff. He didn't leave me for that, though. He left me because I cheated and lied. I cheated and lied because he couldn't deal with the simplest of problems because I always had to accommodate to how this was his first relationship and how he just "didn't quite know" how to do any of this. I cheated and lied because...see August 29, 2008 post. All of that. Someone TRIED to understand me. Someone WANTED to understand me MORE than my surface.

He told me that relationships, in his mind, were supposed to be "good situations". He "didn't realize they were so much work". He says it's "getting harder to talk to you" because I express my feelings so bluntly. He defends himself before I've even made an offensive move. He says "he can't love someone who's betrayed his trust". "Twice".

Let me tell you a lil something about "trust". Trust is simple. It's SO SIMPLE, but people make it into this HUGE HUGE thing. I "trust" you with my life. I "trust" you with my heart. I "trust" you will make good decisions.

But what about the people who ACCIDENTALLY kill other people?

ACCIDENTALLY make wrong decisions?

ACCIDENTALLY and yes ACCIDENTALLY break your heart?

I trusted that he would be the one to "save me from myself", my "blessing in disguise". I trusted that he would be the one I would remember college by. Talking to him was all it was...talking. Just talking. Life became routine. He said I took up half his time. He didn't have enough time with his friends. I basically took over half his life. I'm not a bitch, people. I'll let you go out with your friends if you want to. I don't MAKE people stay home with me. I don't BEG to tag along. Yet "all his free time" was spent with me.

What did we do at home...one may wonder. We did homework. We ate food. I took naps while he did homework, or the other way around. Sometimes, if we were feeling adventurous we'd go to Safeway or Walmart in the middle of the night. And that was all our free time. I appreciated it.

I always feel like I have to prove something. I have to prove to so and so that I'm a strong person/that I'm a strong woman/that I'm a good worker/that I'm a good candidate/that I have a good heart/that I'm extremely passionate. When I went home to him, all I wanted was someone who wanted me there without me having to PROVE why I should be there. Take a look at the simple things we did. I appreciated that, but he felt so opposite.

Sometimes I feel like maybe if I was "happier", or if I didn't have "feelings" he would have appreciated me more. If I liked all the things his friends liked, liked drinking and saying the same things over and over again and laughing about them EVERY SINGLE TIME for months, or if I exalted everything our club was, or BLAH. If I basically stopped thinking like myself and conformed to what he was, I think he'd be happier.

I even asked him

i'm so sorry, if i seemed like i was "pushing" my ideas on you.

but tell me

really...tell me

how could i have talked to you

without you defending yourself...or changing the subject? please? tell me...

i'm truly truly asking.

because now...after you

i feel like an extreme failure.

and he responded:

i cant tell you, because i dont know

im a complicated person

He also told me:

i'm sorry ....that i did have things to deal with

i'm sorry i burdened you.

and i'm sorry that i am crying AGAIN...over it...i feel terrible

for not being a better gf to you

if i had left everything...if i had just NOT felt.

i never asked you to not feel

if i could just not think of deeper things to feel

if i was happier...

gah

i never asked you to not be yourself

but MYSELF

is what FRUSTRATED YOU.

don't you see?

i tried for you,...accommodated to you when you said you couldn't talk because you had engineering hw

i feel like a FAILURE.

a FAILURE because i wasn't happy enough to be with you.

i'm soooo sorry....

and i'm sorry i'm weak

that i still cry about you EVERY SINGLE NIGHT.

i'm sorry i cry

i'm sorry i remember how i feel and it hits me in the heart like the pain of a thousand swords except MORE.

i'm sorry that i can't breathe when i cry

but i muffle myself so my parents won't hear me

i'm sorry for all of this....if i was NONE of this

none of this would have happened.

and i'm sorry.

you dont have to apologize

yes i do!

yes i do because everything

it all traces back to me...

my mistakes.

Such simple responses to such elaborate desperate pleas for mercy...

Is that what I've become? Desperate?

Everyone keeps telling me that maybe it's not so bad to just stop talking to him.

I don't want him to hate me, but how could I let my own thoughts and feelings go? How can I feel so MUCH remorse and he feels SO LITTLE? I wish people would stop looking at "cheating" as such a one way street. There's more to a relationship than that. I'm tired of people telling me "how can you live with yourself?" or "there wasn't an excuse to cheat".

BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T KNOW. YOU DIDN'T KNOW HOW IT FELT TO SUDDENLY LET MY THOUGHTS AND IDEALS GO BECAUSE HE JUST "HAD SHIT TO DO". EXCUSE ME for SHARING THOSE THOUGHTS AND IDEALS WITH SOMEONE ELSE. THE PHYSICAL PART WAS BAD, BUT THE EMOTIONAL PART SHOULD HAVE BEEN WORSE. IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN. HE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN SOMETHING WAS WRONG THE SECOND I GAVE EMOTIONS TO SOMEONE ELSE.

AND NO. It's not all his fault. It takes two to motherfucking tango, but SERIOUSLY. Based on the excerpt of our conversation above, how the FUCK would you talk to him? I'd love to know, and maybe you can try it someday because it obviously wouldn't work with me.

I sent him a letter saying how I didn't want the bad to outweigh the good, but that doesn't mean the bad should be left not dealt with.

I wish that I didn't let my pain from my past attack my present, and I wish I didn't let my stress for the future taint my present actions, but like I said in last night's post, I'm dealing. I'm dealing with myself.

I know and let me repeat this, I KNOW THAT I AM WRONG, TOO. So please, stop with all the advice giving and the really subjective opinions. I don't care about you...any of you. Well, I do, that's a lie, but what I mean is, STOP making me care about what you went through. Let me do me. Sometimes, all a person needs is some friggin LOVE. A SHOULDER. Sometimes all a person needs is SILENCE. So STOP TALKING. I want to sit in silence, and have a companion to just let me cry and cry all day and not judge me for crying and tell me it's okay to cry and tell me that I am NORMAL for crying.

I never needed advice from him. I needed his love. He was my boyfriend, and I loved him so much. I still love him. So much that it hurts me every single time I wake up and go to sleep, and sometimes even in the middle of the day.

Insomnia won last night because of all the scary nightmarish thoughts in my mind.

I'm tired.

"Tired is good...change can only come when a woman gets fed up. Go ahead...get tired."

I'm tired.

I have insomnia.

I have a headache.

I have a broken heart.

It's 3:58 AM. I've spent the last five hours crying. Again.

I cut myself. Again.

Is it scary to say that I feel freer on this blog because no one reads it?

Who will click this link?

Seriously...

Who?

I just read my post from August 29, 2008...before I did anything wrong. I did nothing wrong. Here I am...a year and 19 days later...crying my eyes out. Cutting myself. Dealing.

With all my residual pain from my past, I have never been "pitied". I find it unfair that people look at me with their judgmental eyes and their bystander mentalities. I helped you once. I loved you once...when no one else would. Did you ever think about that?

I AM dealing...I have never been on an emotional rollercoaster QUITE as windy as this one. I'm dealing and coming face to face with the evil that has taunted me in the past until now. I'm dealing. I'm not TRYING to deal, because I'm already dealing. And yes, I have my relapses every now and then...hence the blogs at 4 am. But I'm strong because the thing that people are most scared of...is the thought of dealing with themselves.

I'm real.

I'm raw.

I'm NOT insane.

And God damnit, if there's something wrong with you, you best believe I'll tell you.

STOP bashing me because of your FEARS. I'm already bashing myself, for God's sake what the fuck is the point of you kicking me when I'm already down?

THE ONLY REASON PEOPLE JUDGE ME IS BECAUSE THEY CAN'T DEAL WITH THEIR OWN JUDGMENTS OF THEMSELVES.

THAT. Is a true test. AND THAT. Is TRUE INSANITY.

And yes, I tell myself this to make me feel better.

I have been used, abused, and mentally fucked up for awhile now. Maybe not to the extent YOU'RE thinking of, but stop judging me.

I don't feel like this for no fucking reason. Think about that. People don't just LOVE fear and LOVE dealing. I imagine this is how a crack addict tryna get clean feels.

Head hurts.

Tomorrow, when I'm a little less bipolar and done dreaming scary shit because I have nightmares every night after crying for hours, I promise I'll blog something happier.

Crazy girl. OUTTTT.