so i think that this is probably the only way to fully express how i'm feeling right now.

what the fuck.

seriously?

i did nothing. absolutely nothing.

i don't want to defend myself because everything LOOKS wrong, but i don't understand why i have to feel so much guilt when truly nothing happened. even if i wasn't attracted to #2, i think i would still enjoy the talks that we had SIMPLY because i've never met anyone who shared the same views i have on why i do the things i do.

i am a very insecure person, and i deal with it by being a flirt and an emotional slut. so SUE me. i've never met anyone else who was equally flirtatious or as much of an emotional slut as i was. i thought i was the only person like that, and i FELT GUILTY for acting that way because SOCIETY says that it's wrong. NO ONE has ever taken the time to LISTEN TO ME.

and i feel bad because i feel like i asked #1 to accommodate to me. he's taken care of me. he's let me mess up his room. he's let me sleep at his house. he's woken up in the middle of the night to open the door for me when i was out past 4 for reasons i can't disclose. he's just all around been there. i FEEL SO BAD, but at the same time, i couldn't help it. i was a freshman and i had no car or money. i think that if anyone was a freshman in my position and had a boyfriend like my #1, then they'd be in the same predicament.

so i don't like the fact that people are making assumptions about me because i feel the guilt WAY before they affirm it.

so here's the thing with #2. YES we were attracted to each other, to put it plainly. BUT he COMPLETELY understood me. i did NOT expect that. honestly, i didn't even think anything of what we were doing until someone pointed out to me that it "looked" wrong. and suddenly we're bad people for genuinely liking to talk to each other about why we act the way we act. we talked about really deep things and YES how we liked each other, but that doesn't mean we were going to do anything. i feel like i've done way more shitty things in my life, but i'm getting flack for talking to a GUY who gets me.

i don't think anything would have happened with #2 if i hadn't opened my fat ass mouth. i swear. i can't believe how much damage i've caused, and the guilt i feel inside. it drives me SO INSANE. and i don't even WANT to talk to another guy for as long as i live because all it does is get me in trouble!

this situation is crazy simply because if i hadn't opened my mouth, then me and #2 would simply be talking about the funky things we see on national geographic or whatever. YET, since i DID open my mouth, it led to us admitting our mutual attraction hence explaining WHY we were attracted to each other and then STUMBLING upon the fact that we're both insecure and deal with it by treading the fine line between cheating and faithfulness.

by TREADING that line, i mean FLIRTING, not doing anything shady.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT? i'm HONEST. i tell my #1 the most minuscule things just to be respectful to him because i don't like hiding shit, but it always turns into something huger than it is! BRINGING ME BACK to the fact that i don't EVER want to talk to anything with a penis for as long as i live.

BECAUSE IT ALWAYS GETS ME IN TROUBLE.

i can fuckin take care of myself. i don't NEED anyone to protect me. i don't NEED anyone to tell me that something LOOKS wrong because if i KNOW something IS NOT wrong, and you claim to trust me then my ass shouldn't have to be looked after like a 3 year old at the park.

if a guy dances with me at the club, i ask my girlfriends to save me.
if a guy i don't like talks to me, i know how to deal.
if a guy i DO like talks to me, i'm going to flirt, but that's as far as it goes.

the ONLY reason why this situation is different is because of the depth of the talks that we've had.

and i DON'T ENJOY being compared to what my #1 has done because it makes me feel fuckin hella shittier about myself.

like "i thought this girl was hella fine, you don't see me doing blah"

WELL THAT'S YOUR CHOICE! AND IT'S A GREAT CHOICE! I appreciate it, but shit. i didn't do shit either!

oh my fuck

whatever.

oh and here's another thing i'm guilty about.

breaking up a friendship and mutual respect between two people that have known each other and enjoyed each other's company long before i even stepped onto the scene. that makes me feel like an idiot. i don't think that they should be angry with each other because of me. HORRIBLE. i feel sooo horrible.

guilt guilt guilt

it's all i feel

when i did nothing wrong.

and it makes me wonder, DAMN, it's a fuckin GOOD thing i didn't do anything because if i'm getting this much shit for doing nothing, imagine if i DID SOMETHING.

i'm NOT AN IDIOT. i can take care of myself. and i know people are just lookin out, which i am thankful for, but it's starting to kill me inside. because now i'm reliant and i feel inadequate.

whatever. just one more bump in the road right?

sucks for those who scraped their knees trying to get over it...