my self esteem has gotten the best of me again

how could i go from where i've been to where i am?
is it a classic case scenario of hitting rock bottom?
i feel like i'm not trying.
i feel like a dumbass.
i feel like a super duper dumbass.
i feel like i haven't shown who i am.
and i feel like the good person in me is being overshadowed by confusion and temptation.

who am i?

and who was he when i met him?

and why did i trust him?

and what am i supposed to do?

i can't do independence like i thought i could.

i need someone.

doubt.

i hate drama.
but it follows me everywhere.
i haven't been on my blog in a long time, but here i am. back, and a little bit weak. i think i just want someone to pay attention.

do you have any idea how hard it is for me to accept that i'm not a normal person? i'm more normal than other people, but my self esteem gets the best of me, and i disregard all the people who see the good in me and see the people who think i'm weird and wonder to myself, "why don't they like me?"

i hate losing friends.
it's like ripping a part of me out. i remember the first time i lost a friend. i felt so backstabbed. and i told myself never to be so trusting again...and i was. and look where it got me. a bunch of guys who think i'm weird. but then again, i think they're weird, too. like. seriously. it's not even funny. i don't know what water they're drinking but it must have some sort of shit in it that makes you weird. because they're weird. i'm done trying to impress...if you don't like what you see here, no one said you had to get to know me. i'm not a barbie to add to your collection. i'm not random play. i'm better than that. i have a strong head on my shoulders. i know i do. and i know i'm a good person, damnit. don't make me think otherwise.

i dislike my cousin.
it's hurting me inside to say it, but i do. how could he forsake us? after all we've been through together. it's hurting me inside that he would say something so mean about everything we've done for him and his child. how could one be so unappreciative yet expect so much? YET BE SO UNAPPRECIATIVE WHEN HE GETS WHAT HE EXPECTED??

i'll tell you what i love though. i love my life.
and no matter how many things i hate IN my life, it won't bring me down.
and i know that there's always going to be someone or something making me realize that i'm loved. and that someone is always thinking good about me.

i'm not a sap. i'm a realist. and this is real talk.

i hate you for being immature.