i`m sorry.

i didn`t mean it that way.

you`re better than me. that`s what i wanted to say. i wanted to say that the titas love YOU guys more. i wanted to say that MAYBE I WANT THAT CRITICISM THEY GIVE YOU BECAUSE IT SHOWS ME THAT THEY CARE FOR YOU. they may not care about your desires, but they care about your WELFARE. i`ve never felt that. and i`m sorry. i`m not better than you. i`m not at all. i was trying to express that i`m lower than you NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY to be your EQUAL. i see how impressed our titas are with manang`s and antoine`s achievements...i want them to be impressed with me too. i didn`t want this to be about me...and i`m sorry you feel that i have to grow up. i`m sorry you feel you have to slap me. the next time you see me, you can. i can understand if you don`t want to see me for awhile because that`s probably best anyway...if you guys want to say something about me...you can. just make sure you say it to my face because it hurt so much when you guys said those things to me in my comments. and i bet i hurt you guys when i said the things i said, even if you guys misunderstood what i was saying. i don`t want there to be shit between us. i don`t want it to result in this. i would do anything for you guys because i love you guys. you`re my family. everything i achieve is to pay you and my parents and everyone who has ever done anything for me BACK. it`s not for me...it`s to show you guys what you guys have done for me...how you`ve shaped me. i don`t know. maybe it is me. but i`m sorry. i felt bad that night. after i blogged, i wondered whether or not i should have editted it. well now i realize that i should not have even put it up. i didn`t mean to offend you guys. but you guys did a really good job of offending me back. and it hit me hard. if you guys don`t want to talk to me for awhile, i get it. maybe it`s best. i left antoine a couple messages on his phone saying sorry...well the first one, not really...but i am sorry. if you guys don`t reply back, it`s fine. i`ll take the hint...maybe family doesn`t stay as close as i`d like it to be. (you`ll probably take THAT offensively too...so i`m PRE apologizing). but i don`t know...maybe (if it`s not too much trouble) you could TRY to see things from my point of view? i`m sorry you guys. i love you. i`d do anything for you. i don`t know how many times i can say that. i just sat for the past hour or so crying because i didn`t want this to happen..but obviously it did. and you know what? i tried to be mad, but i can`t get mad at you guys. my head is throbbing with things that i feel like i need to say but don`t know how...i love you.

-kathleen