Allow me to clarify my post on “fakeness” from last night.

So I’m sure people think that I’ve exhausted the fact that I tried to kill myself last year. I’m sure that people think I did it for attention. I’m sure that people think I did it because my boyfriend broke up with me.

The thing is, I don’t have to sit all—every single one individual—of you to explain to you why I did the things I did. You don’t know my life and I could give two fucks about yours, which is why I’ve separated myself from a good 90% of the people I used to call “friends.”

My problem lies with the people I really really really trusted. The people who DID visit me in the hospital. The people who…and I just found this out yesterday…on the way to my birthday dinner (ironically enough) that upon receiving the text that I had stuffed a bunch of pills down my throat and wrapped a bungee cord around my neck, and was on suicide watch, you LAUGHED. YOU. LAUGHED. WOW.

WOW.

And that on the way TO THE HOSPITAL you said, “I don’t even know if we should take this seriously.”

What?!?

I swear to God, I’ve seen every single one of you do stupid self-destructive things like sleeping with dudes who give you fake names, or dedicate ridiculous amounts of money to terrorist exes, or drink up a storm and yack all over everything, BUT I would never LAUGH at you or ask myself if I should take you seriously. I’ve held your hair, and said it was messed up when dudes would give you fake names—thinking that you should maybe have a little more self-respect to recognize when guys were just looking for a booty call.

But I have NEVER questioned whether or not I should take you seriously. ON THE WAY TO THE HOSPITAL NO LESS. I can understand if you didn’t care at all, then it would be much easier to sever you from my life. But I can’t because I actually do care about you.

And you say you care about me, but REAL TALK (something you should perhaps look into) if you’re going to act like that, then on the real don’t care about me then. I’d rather we just be real like that than pretend we love each other.

And as a favor to you, if you’re dying in a ditch somewhere, I promise I won’t laugh.

He sleeps so perfect.

If only everything could be as simple as the way he sleeps.

Anxiety is getting the best of me again. Judgment is flowing in left and right; I can feel heavy eyes staring at me. And I start overanalyzing glances or snickers or gestures.

I've never felt as safe as I do when I'm with him. And it pains me to ever think about being apart from him. I wish the people I love would be equally accepting of this happiness that I suddenly feel...I wish there was no fear, and I wish I could be honest.

Can't Make Me Be.

That was the title of "The World of Jenks" tonight. I personally am in love with autistic people. I think they are superheroes in disguise. They have superhuman abilities, but the humility that we wish we could have. They have simplicity.

I have to agree, though, that what we can't help, we have to just roll with. If we can't help our feelings, our gestures, our personalities, then who is another person to judge?

I'm deathly afraid of school. I'm also saddened by the fact that it's my fourth year and I'm not graduating this year. I wish I was. I wish I could leave...but I know that my destiny probably had to be slowed down a little. God wanted me to stop letting people MAKE me be something. He needed me to detour.

I guess I just have to remember that "the very things we hate are here to build those muscles."

Why am I so apprehensive to call the doctor and set up appointments now?

It's been eight months, and I'm doing well...more than well I'd say. But I'm at a place where a lot of anger, sadness, anxiety, and apprehension are harbored. I've done my best to hide it on the outside, but sometimes I feel like tiny parts of me inside are falling apart.

I'm deathly afraid to go back to school...

...mostly because I'm afraid I'll suck at it. And I'm afraid of new dynamics. I feel like a freshman all over again. To be frank, I've now lost more friends than I went into college with, and if you stared at me for a long time, I bet you'd have to think about whether or not you were truly my friend.

I've had that conversation in my head about...dozens...of people now. And my head hurts.

I'm dizzy.

Irritated.

And I'm taking it out on the people who least deserve my wrath.

I'm constantly scared about falling back into bad habits...so much so that I spent a good deal of my night crying in my car in my work parking lot last night...and when I say crying, I MEAN CRYING.

I just wanna have fun. I really really envy tv shows or groups of friends who seem to have such a strong hold on each other. I wish I had that. I did once...

But I wish I had that again...I wish I could look back on college and look at good memories...not..."God, I couldn't wait to get out of there."

What makes certain people..."cooler" than other people? Are people not prone to imperfections...or mistakes? As much as I try to say that mistakes and imperfections are indeed what makes humans human, I find it hard...almost impossible to follow my own advice.

I feel like I AM a mistake. And sometimes I don't know what I did to get the whole world so mad at me. I feel like I've always wanted to get along with everyone...but maybe I'm just not relatable. Maybe I'm just...not as "chill" as I'd like to think. What makes people's problems any worse or any better than anyone else's problems?

Am I just a big boat of drama? Because it seems to me, like the more I try not to be...the more I am one. And the less I try to be one, I catch more wind and sail on the big boat more. And what people don't know is that I don't see why I have to be scolded like a dog. Am I easy to yell at? Am I easy to chew out? What if I wasn't around to make the mistakes for you? What if I wasn't around to disapprove of? Because that's how I feel...like I'm always disapproved of.

My dreams...my aspirations...were just helping people.

Everyone says I have this huge vanity problem...like it's always about me...

I try not to.

I go home at night punishing myself if I talk about myself too much, but you don't see that. You just see me...talking about myself.

You don't get that it hurts me...

You can say sorry as much as you want, but I don't think you'll realize how much you've mentally fucked me up...and how hard it is for me to keep my head afloat.

I have so many problems with myself...I hate my stomach. I hate being sick. I hate being sad. I hate being dizzy. I hate being on Lexapro. I hate that I talk about myself. I hate that I make such huge mistakes that always get people mad at me...enough to hate me...I hate that I have this distorted image of myself in my mind. I hate myself. I hate me. I hate me as much as you hate me.

Last summer...around this time. I hated me so much that I cut.

I cut.

I beat myself.

I scratched.

I carved.

I choked.

I overdosed.

I'm scared.

Because you hating me...made me hate me.

And one day...I'll hate myself to death.

I can't sleep for the life of me.

Bad Habits

They're coming back.

I think sometimes, that there are certain things that I want for myself...as does anyone in this God-known universe. BUT...I feel like...there are only certain things I should be ale to do...be able to have.

...like a stable relationship.

Part of me wants to forget again...I don't want to care about anyone. I want to do what I want. I don't want to be frustrated. I don't want to worry. I don't want to TRAIN anyone HOW TO LOVE ME. I don't...want to care.

I don't want to love.

Because love is hard. It's frustrating. I never know if I'm doing it right.

Sometimes I still feel slutty.

Sometimes...I still feel like I'm lower than I am.

Like today...

Today...tonight...Right now...

is not a good moment.

I feel...lost. I feel like I want to abandon things. I feel frustrated. I feel like giving up. I feel like I can't burden anyone anymore. I can't remember my problems and have someone bear them with me. I want to be happy...or at least trick myself into thinking I am.

Sometimes...bad habits seem so good.

Happy.

Because slowly but surely it's starting to hurt less.

As my love for him augments.

And the arguments...

are all nonsense.

With a hint of laughs and happiness.

True love I've gone on my search to find.

Are truly apparent when I look in his eyes.

And hurt I've come to bear in mind,

is meant to be had and awaken the blind.

Love is fighting is what I have come to learn.

And my love is something that this man yearns to earn.

To add to the fire that his heart burns.

This rhyme will forever...remain unfinished

Because I hope my days with him will never diminish...

Soulmate is an understatement...

To be continued...

I could have been amazing.

But you wouldn't let me.

Closed your eyes to me.

Turned your head from me.

Ignorant of me.

And while this pattern continues to remain amongst people I have now come to despise.

I beckon you and them to open your eyes.

My life was always truth, never lies.

And I never hid a thing, not my blood or my scars.

I displayed them openly for you to admire from afar.

I hid not a thing,

I lived off of love

And still you were the only one that you ever thought of

And in your ignorance you continue to remain

And your ignorance will be the bane

Of your existence

And the weakness in your resistance

And I lived off of truth

Off of fears and tears

And you thrived off my pain for two long years.

And people blame me for all of our faults

I'm still left with the hurt and the nightmares

I'm left picking and choosing for whom my heart really cares

I'm left here picking and choosing who is worth the fight

And shaking in my fright

of trusting again

Of hearing the end

Of feeling the unbearable feeling of torture again.

You see, you weren't a passerby you were a ladron.

And you robbed me of my dignity that my heart relied on.

You are the people that created my hell.

And to think you would have attended when they rang my funeral bell.

with your artificial tears and your "I'm sorrys" and goodbyes

Hugging my mother as she wipes tears from her eyes

From having to bury her one and only child

And not knowing what it'd be like to see her ever smile...again.

Because a few people decided to talk.

Decided to dictate which plank she she walk.

Decided it was okay to have an opinion.

About the way someone led their own life

not knowing that everyone has a struggle and strife

Everyone has their share of mistakes

But not everyone deserves to pay for them at a wake.

Never to wake...

or open her eyes...

Because of the people who seemed to disguise...

themselves as her friends. as her few confidantes.

Yet were absent in her struggles, in her needs, in her wants.

And now.

Instead of letting go of the life that is hers.

She has finally decided to let go of the worst.

And cut out the "friends" who cut her out first.

And restart on a life that doesn't quite hurt...

And the memory of the people who betrayed are gone...

Forever withdrawn

Forever.

Gone.

As deep as the ocean.

I love summer and I love home. I love family. I love work. I love responsibility. I love that slowly...but steadily I may be falling in love. I love REAL friends--roommates, coworkers. People who think of me when I'm gone.

And that's the real shit I think about when I was looking over that cliff at Pacifica today.

Real shit.

Real people. Real love.

Really growing up. Forgiving and letting go. Smiling over dumb stuff and laughing over even dumber stuff. Letting shit out. Forgiving yourSELF for your mistakes and not being so bitter anymore.

GROWING UP.

But always remembering that "being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up, these are the best years of our lives." And everything we imagine can come true. Uncertainty is just part of the journey. You never know where the road's gonna lead you. You just know what you want and need and hopefully you get to those goals. But remembering that mistakes were meant to be made and meant to teach you a lesson.

Life's deep...

...as deep as the ocean.

There's no escaping.

So stop running.

There's no eradicating your past. There's no eternal sunshining your life.

There's just living.

There's just bearing in mind that your mistakes were meant to be made. And the more you hold onto your regrets, the faster you will deteriorate. There's no shame in asking for help.

Go back to being a pacifist. Because what is there to fight? What is there to defend? Anger will only hold you back. If you love yourself enough, you'd understand that this is truth. Let go of that burning coal already. Let go of pain. Please heal.

Re-evaluate who you call friends. Who you believe to be true friends...

It may not be a lot, but they have been there through thick and thin. Don't ever let them go.

Friends have dwindled off the map...but new friends have come to take their place. Love those friends like you love yourself...because they're the ones who keep you sane.

Remember that family will always be there for you. Blood is thicker than anything you can ever imagine.

And TRUE love will find...if it hasn't already...its way back into your heart.

Bad times will come, but remember that it is from darkness that light arises. It's from chaos that beauty emerges. And that's exactly what you are. DON'T REGRET what happened because it had to happen some time...you have a whole future ahead of you to forgive and forget.

Life will come to those who hurt you, and God is the only one who can judge.

Let go, Kat. Let go.

Year 4.

It's time.

It's time to get the fuck out of this place. To graduate. To peace out. To forget the torture I put myself under while I was here.

I have so many good memories, but so many bad ones as well. I came out of college with less friends than I started with, and with practically no trust left in my trust fund. I'm cynical. I'm vicious. I'm trying...

...not to be.

I used to be such a pacifist. I used to know how to be diplomatic. I never wanted to kill people as much. I've never hated. Hatred is a terrible terrible feeling. It burns you up inside and it makes you feel like shit.

It's time to get out, but since I missed 2 quarters of school this past year, I'm going to have to stay longer. Do I regret it? No. But I wish I could be done and out of there much more quickly. I've been through many situations, now, where I'm infamous for something terrible...

And that's not how I want to be.

I want to be fun. I want to be invited places.

I am fun. And I was invited places...

Then I make ONE mistake...and I'm not forgiven. I'm forgotten.

People can say that they trust their friends. I don't. My friends are flip-floppers. Everyone is a flip-flopper.

Today I had a terrible headache...and I want to see the therapist again. But I can't pay $15 every time to see a mofuckin therapist. I need to save money. I need to get back in the gym. I need time. To think. To relax. To forget. To forgive...myself and others. To truly find sanity again...to find salvation. To heal.

Sigh. Okay. Enough.